Of Stress and Spiders: A guest post by Cole Reulbach
Recently, I was perusing the trusty ol' social networking newsfeed when I saw that my young friend, Cole Reulbach, was looking for outlets for his writing habit. Since I love Cole's random wit and the general silliness of his writing, I asked him if he'd be willing to draft a guest post for the Fresh Thoughts section of my website. I even offered him cookies. He declined the cookies but graciously offered the post below. Please give Cole a warm and enthusiastic welcome for his first ever guest post!
Of Stress and Spiders
by Cole Reulbach
Every Day I'm Staplin'
A couple months ago, I found myself in a slightly stressful position, and I'm going to whine to you about it. But don't worry, I'll make it quick.
Probably.
I was working at a pallet factory at the time. It was decent work, half decent pay, simple and mindless--almost therapeutic. I wasn't overly fond of the people, but I could get around that.
It was the only job I had been able to procure after a longer search than I would care to admit.
So I thought I needed this job, because, if I lost it, I wasn't sure if I would be able to find another before my meager (i.e. "nonexistent") savings dried up.
When everyone started talking about layoffs, I began to get a touch...well, let's just say "less then composed". I couldn't get laid off. I was good at my job. Darn good. I could staple-gun circles around all of those other staple-gunners. I could staple-gun a monument to my staple-gun prowess. I could….
I got laid off. For the whole summer. Three months without a job.
A Convo with Science
Stress is one of the largest preventable causes of health problems in the United States, right after smoking, obesity, and spiders. Because, man, spiders are just the worst. I'm gonna lay down some statistics about stress--some "stresstistics," if you will *(Editors Note: I am so sorry about that joke)*.
Hold on, 'cuz it's going to get pretty science-y in here.
Almost a full quarter of all prescriptions in the United States are for, or include, tranquilizers and anti-anxiety medications. And if you know how pill-happy our country is, then you know that pretty much translates to "a quarter of all people". And, heck, the National Health Interview Study says that right around 75% of Americans experience "unhealthy" levels of stress at least once a week. That's right--every week. That's at least once for every one of those things we have 52 of each year. And science says you're probably one of those people getting all worked up.
Don't look at science like that. It's just telling it like it is.
"But what about actual, physical effects?" Asks the tough guy who can just chug his way through some stress.
High blood pressure is one of the main side effects, leading to a list of maladies longer then Lady Gaga's lineup of costume designers (pop-culture joke quota officially met).
Also on the menu: Heart Disease, Nasty-Faced Acne, Fatigue, Mood Swings, Hyperglycemia, exacerbation of ulcers, increased risk of HIV progressing to AIDS, headaches, weakened immune system, self-projecting colon syndrome, Mexican jumping chlamydia and imploding pancreatic black holes.
Those last three may or may not have been fabricated on the spot. But they hardly even seemed out of place.
Wow. That's a whole mess of stuff that can go wrong. Well, at least the old myth that says that stress will turn your hair gray isn't actually true.
But it will make it fall out.
And I hear spiders like to crawl down the back of your neck when you get all high-strung. They can sense these things.
Please Hold Your Applause--And Your Ninja Throwing Stars
Life is stressful. Many would think me a fool for suggesting otherwise. And while I may be a fool, it's largely for reasons unrelated to my opinions on stress (I once slept in a bathtub full of water because I read about another guy doing that to stay warm throughout the night, even though he specifically mentioned it as an example of how dumb he was).
And while, yes, life can be, and often is, a difficult thing, it's actually a bit easier than most people would let on.
Again, please don't try and throw things at me just yet, first off, because I will explain myself, and second, throwing things through your computer to hit other people isn't a thing you can actually do.
There are a million things in life that can make you fret: bills; children; that spider over there; work; chores; seriously, I think the spider is getting closer; family; and a laundry list of other things I wont get into right now.
But none of them are going to go away because you worry about them. In fact, the spider might actually come closer.
Simply put, if there is nothing you can do about a situation, there's little point worrying yourself over it, as it will only make matters worse.
I Have Therefore Been Deligated, As a Matter of Trust....
What if I told you there's a pretty quick fix for cutting out the thing causing the majority of those maladies? Well, I'm going to. So, read on.
It sounds like the kind of kitschy advice you would get in some sort of email forward, and, in fact, that's exactly where I heard about it. So I dismissed it just as readily as I dismissed the offer of wealth from that Nigerian prince who had a fortune tied up in a foreign bank account.
But I should have known that, just like with everything in life, you have to eat the meat and spit out the bones.
But then one day, in my internet voyages (one of the filthiest, most grammatically incorrect places to travel) I came across the quote again, but this time in handy flowchart form. It went something like this:
I chuckled slightly to myself, and then continued clicking along, not giving it any more thought.
But later in the day, it just kept popping into my head, especially that last part."Then why worry about it?"
It seemed so simple. I mean, it couldn't actually work. But then I thought about it some more.Why couldn't it work? (I think entirely in Italics. It's a medical condition.)And I decided, I'm going to try this out. (Doctors say it's incurable.)And do you know what happened?Absolutely nothing.
At first.
Don't Rub My Belly
It turns out I'm really bad at not worrying about things. I think most people are. It seems to be in our nature. Which is a terrible thing to have in your nature, but I digress.
I decided to keep at it, because I'm such an industrious personality. And I have to say, it's one of the single best decisions I've made in life.So now, am I some sort of Buddha-esque human of ascended consciousness? Of course not. Don't be silly. I still worry about things from time to time, and probably always will."Wow. Why would you even bother to write this article, then?" You ask, because you apparently don't understand how pre-written articles work.Again, I'm not saying that shifting your mind into this focus will cure all that ails you in life. But it does make things so much easier.
"The electric bill is due next week, and I'm going to be short"
Can you do something about it?
"Yes, I can ask for some extra hours at work to earn the money.""My Lord, the TV is broken!"
"Holy crap, that spider looks way too big to be allowed to exist. This isn't even fair."
Can you do something about it?
"Not now...no. Hmm, guess I'll have to be productive instead."
Can you do something about it?
"Run away and cry?"
If that helps with the stress!
"I'm going to be laid off next week! Oh no!"
Can you do something about it?
"Yes! I can steal the copy machine!"
No. Try again.
"Umm...I can start looking for another job in my time off?"
There you go.
You can see how the logic could in fact, be applied to nearly any situation.
And why would you want to worry, anyway? It's uncomfortable, can lead to health problems, and if you worry really hard sometimes you get sweaty and that can't be doing great things for your social life.A lot of you, especially the people who frequent this website, have probably thought about this general advice before, maybe had it suggested to you, or thought of it yourself in some shape or form. But how many of you actually practice it?What harm could it do to try? Worst case scenario, you actively attempt it for a while and find it's not helpful. Then you can come and say mean things to me in the comments. Best case scenario, life gets a bit easier for you. It's a no-lose proposition (except for me, if it doesn't work and you guys get really creative with your insults).
Rule Them Before They Rule You
I'm currently employed in a factory that manufactures body parts for cars. How did that come about? Because, I stopped worrying about the situation and got down to figuring out if there was anything I could do about it.
And there was.
I gave up my time off and spent it hunting for a new job. I worked my butt off and landed a position a couple of weeks before my previous employer laid everyone off. It was a simple solution, but it worked. Everyone else had to take jobs at the spider/gut-wrenching-horror factory, tending to their arachnid overlords' needs.They get a lot of overtime hours though.If it seems like the simplest thing in the world, well, it probably is. Go back to that flow chart, write it down somewhere, and look at it every now and then. Maybe spell it out in boulders in a field and look it up on Google Earth every once in a while. It will remind you to just go with the flow (Editors Note: Again, so, so, sorry about these jokes). Everyone deserves to be happy, carefree and definitely not a spider.So next time you start worrying, ask yourself:
"Can I do something about it?"
And then do it.
Cole Reulbach, 19, lives in Ohio, where he spends the majority of his time wishing he didn't live in Ohio. His hobbies include long walks on the beach, looking outside on a rainy day while listening to Adele, and watching his favorite Christmas movie on repeat--Die Hard.
Would you like to be a guest on Fresh Thoughts?
Drop me a line at write2denice AT gmail DOT com and let's work out a plan!